If you want to stand apart as a leader, learn to apologize when you mess up or hurt someone.
There are several internal obstacles that may hold us back from sincere reconciliation. Pride may tempt some leaders to think that apologizing is beneath them. Insecurity may cause others to hold back from apologizing for fear of losing power. Leaders that lack empathy minimize the hurt and pain they have caused others, dismissing it as trivial.
The best leaders are the ones that overcome these internal obstacles and take full responsibility for their actions.
If you want to stand apart as a leader, learn to apologize when you mess up or hurt someone. Click To Tweet
We all know how tempting it is to deny or justify our mistakes? I remember being in a minor car accident a number of years ago. I got out of the car looking for evidence to fault the other driver. My search lasted a few moments until I swallowed my pride and admitted to my wrongdoing. The temptation to deny our responsibility for wrongdoing is part of our fallen nature.
Some years ago I messed up with my administrative assistant. We had agreed to start every day at 8:30am with a 15-minute check-in to report the day’s meetings and tasks so that we are on the same page. We also agreed to send a text or call the night before if we weren’t able to attend the morning check-in.
One day I forgot about the check-in because I was taking the kids to school. Usually my assistant car-pooled with another staff member. Unfortunately, on that particular morning she had to take the bus which meant leaving her home 90 minutes earlier and arriving at the office 30 minutes sooner because of the transit schedule. That was lot of effort and no small inconvenience just to make the morning check-in … and … I didn’t show up.
What did I do when I arrived? As I opened the door to the office I saw my assistant sitting at her desk and remembered our daily routine and our agreement to text if we couldn’t make it. Embarrassed by my omission, I walked past her with a quick, “Sorry I wasn’t here this morning, can you email the spreadsheet for my first meeting?” Then I closed the door to avoid further discussion.
What a wuss!
My conscience began to eat away at me. Not only did I feel remorse for what I did, now I felt awful for how badly I handled reconciliation. I swallowed my pride, took the humility pill and walked up to her desk to apologize.
“I’m sorry for coming in late and missing our check-in. Also, I’m sorry I didn’t send you a text or call you last night to let you know I wasn’t going to be here. That was a promise we made to each other and I’m sorry for breaking that promise. You might feel that I don’t value your time very much. You went through a lot of trouble to be here on time. I could have spared you the hassle by sending a simple text. For all these things I am truly sorry and I promise I won’t do that again. Please forgive me.”
She confirmed her hurt and disappointment. She agreed that it felt like I wasn’t valuing her time. That was tough to hear but important. Finally, she confirmed her forgiveness, “I forgive you.”
The positive, collaborative relationship we worked hard to establish deepened (not weakened) because of the process of sincere reconciliation. Later that day, in an effort to make restitution, I completed one of her daily tasks that is quite mundane but important to do. When she thanked me, I just said, “You’re welcome. Thanks for your forgiveness.”
Four key parts of healthy reconciliation:
- Own it and say sorry. Say you are sorry but more importantly be sorry. Admit what you did that was wrong and be specific.
- Empathize. Understand how your wrongdoing made the other person feel or how your action/inaction caused them hardship. Empathy means understanding the situation from the other person’s perspective. Your gift of empathy is incredibly affirming of their dignity and evidence of your care.
- Receive forgiveness. Ask for forgiveness and wait till it is given. When we hurt others, they often feel disempowered by the process. By asking for their forgiveness and waiting on them to give it, we re-empower them. Until the other person says, “I forgive you,” reconciliation is incomplete.
- Make restitution. Make up for it. In some way perform an act of charity that reminds them of your remorse and goes the extra mile to communicate your commitment to making it right.
It’s important that we never substitute true reconciliation with fake or insincere apologies. Here are some examples:
“Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.” Where’s the blame? On their feelings, not on your wrongdoing.
“I’m sorry this happened.” Where’s the responsibility? On the situation, not your action.
“I am sorry for anything I have done that caused you pain.” A general sorry is not much better than no sorry at all.
Fake or insincere apologies may give a momentary sense of restoring peace but that’s not sincere reconciliation and the seeds of distrust will take root. Remember the first law of relationships: an unreconciled past is always present.
When we handle mistakes using the four-fold approach described above, even our wrongs can become stepping stones for building stronger trust and better working relationships.
People are more than willing to forgive and reconcile but there must be sincere repentance and humble acceptance of forgiveness.
Thank you Brett. So true, and helpful!