Tim Ferriss is a 5-time New York Times bestselling author. His podcast has exceeded 700 million downloads. He also struggled with severe depression and almost ended his own life in 1999 as a senior at Princeton. Like many others who struggle with mental health, Tim Ferriss kept that part of his story hidden from most people. Finally opening up about his struggles on his podcast and then on other platforms and media interviews, has been the most impactful part of his long and fruitful career.
Jordan Peterson has been called the greatest intellectual in the western world by the New York Times. His podcast attracts 1 million listeners per episode. His website gets 25,000 views every single day. He has written 3 best sellers and is currently touring the world, where he will speak to hundreds of thousands of people covering themes from his latest book, Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life. Some of Peterson’s most impactful episodes and video clips have been unscripted and emotional moments, where he taps into something deeply personal that is universally relevant. One of those moments (and my personal favourite) unfolded in a conversation with Africa Brooke which you can find here.
The point is this: Men, not just women, experience a wide range of feelings. Men feel anger, sadness, fear, betrayal, happiness, grief, loss, and many other emotions. However, because men are less likely to talk about their feelings, there is a common misconception that men do not have feelings or do not experience feelings to the same degree as women. That is simply not true.
Because men are less likely to talk about their feelings, there is a common misconception that men do not have feelings or do not experience feelings to the same degree as women. This is simply not true. Share on XAccording to Tara Vossenkemper, Licensed Professional Counselor, there are a few explanations as to why most men are not comfortable sharing their feelings.
Social Factors: Men are not encouraged to express their feelings and when they do, they are often made to feel weak.
Men Brush it Off: For women, discussing a problem without jumping to a solution is relieving because it makes the problem seem more manageable or relatable. Men tend to be more solution-focused than women. Being solution-focused is not inherently right or wrong, but when an answer is not obvious, there are only feelings to experience and articulate. Men tend to brush it off as not worth talking about.
Physiological Factors: Men are more likely to become physiologically overwhelmed when discussing hard things because they experience faster release rates of Cortisol, the hormone that puts the brain into a fight or flight response. It is also why men tend to respond to highly emotional experiences with anger or despondency, rather than a full range of emotions. While this is a biological reality, with practice, men can learn to curb the physiological response and become more comfortable, even very comfortable, talking about hard things.
Christian men’s groups have an important role to play.
I do not support the idea that because men are uncomfortable talking about their feelings, that men’s groups should avoid emotional conversations. While it is not an effective strategy to launch a men’s group with a series of deep conversations, to never get to a place of sharing feelings would be a disservice to men seeking personal growth and transformation.
I do not support the idea that because men are uncomfortable talking about their feelings, that men’s groups should avoid emotional conversations. Share on X To not get to a place of deep sharing after many months of meeting with a men's group would be a disservice to men seeking personal growth and transformation. Share on XIt would be most unfortunate if a men’s group met for months and years, and never got to a place of creating a safe and supportive environment for the men to be vulnerable. I no longer correlate a man’s ability to share his feelings with weak masculinity. In fact, I think the opposite is true. It takes a high degree of courage and competence to be vulnerable.
A man’s ability to share his feelings is not showing weak masculinity. I think the opposite is true. It takes a high degree of courage and competence to be vulnerable without oversharing. Share on XDr Brene Brown says, “Vulnerability is our most accurate way to measure courage. We can measure how brave you are by how vulnerable you’re willing to be.”
Dr Brene Brown says that vulnerability is our most accurate way to measure courage. We can measure how brave you are by how vulnerable you're willing to be. Share on XBeing vulnerable also takes competence. Relational skills, rich in emotional intelligence, are needed by men to share in a manner that allows others to understand without ‘over-sharing.’ Over-sharing makes others feel awkward and uncomfortable. Sharing with a high degree of courage and competence helps other men, even those reticent to sharing, become comfortable in doing so. I follow a blog called The Cedar Life, which is a great example of sharing without over-sharing. We need more men committed to that kind of courage and competence.
Vulnerability is the doorway to other benefits. When we lose our capacity for vulnerability, we lose our capacity for love which hinders our presence as husbands and fathers. If we cannot share well our feelings of anger, sadness, broken heartedness, grief, joy and excitement, how will we track with our wife as she shares similar movements in her heart?
When we lose our capacity for vulnerability, we lose our capacity for love which hinders our presence as husbands and fathers. Share on XIf we can’t enter vulnerable conversations how will we handle it when our daughter wants to talk about her growing feelings for a young man with a troubled past and uncertain future? Or a son when he confides with us that he has done something sexually that he regrets. Or a staff member that is dealing with work-related panic attacks?
If we cannot be vulnerable with our own feelings and navigate those conversations, how will we lead well at home or work with the staff that report to us? There is a simple truth – no vulnerability, no intimacy; and if there is no intimacy our relationships will be less than what God wants them to be. Relationships matters most.
If we cannot be vulnerable with our own feelings and navigate those conversations, how will we lead well at home or work with the staff that report to us? Share on XPardon my tongue and cheek comment, but, I think it is time to stop accepting and accommodating a cave-man approach: Grunting to indicate frustration. Grunting to indicate anger. Grunting to indicate sadness. Grunting to indicate emotional pain. Grunting to indicate a desire for sex. We men need to learn, by consistent practice, how to express the emotions we experience by sharing authentic, well articulated words, without over-sharing. We Christian men, in Christian men’s groups, need to exercise courage and competence and in doing so, set an example for others to follow.
This blog has been improved by the editing genius of my daughter Hannah Powell.