PARENTS, TO DISCIPLINE WELL, START WITH WHY

A number of weeks ago one of my readers (and a friend) sent me a list of questions on disciplining children. Here are my initial thoughts. FYI – my beautiful bride and a few of our older kids reviewed this post and provided valuable input!

Discipline has become a bad word in some parenting circles. Yes, discipline will involve the occasional punishment or taking away privileges but the real meaning is much deeper and more important.

The word discipline comes from disciple which means “to learn.”  One can exchange the term parental discipline with parent discipling. Helping your child learn what it means to live as a disciple of Jesus is the most important responsibility and highest privilege of parenting. It’s also the reason (the why) to commit to discipline in the home.

Discipline is what happens when a parent teaches and the child learns. The most important mode of teaching is example – children live what children see. But example isn’t enough. Great parents provide directed practice, exhortation and correction when necessary.

Parents disciple their children so they learn to know God in a personal way and live a life of virtue – sound judgment, charity, personal responsibility, temperance, courage, prudence, fortitude, humility and magnanimity.

Think of it this way – you are raising adults, not children.  You are raising disciples, not Church-kids. Discipline is done always and all ways with this end in mind. It’s not about the moment, it’s about the long-term and most importantly, it’s about helping your children to learn to live as a disciple.

Think of it this way - you are raising adults, not children. You are raising disciples, not church-kids. Discipline is done always and all ways with this end in mind. It's not about the moment, it's about the long-term. Click To Tweet

Virtues grow stronger or weaker within the do’s and don’ts of family life (or their absence). It calls for example-giving as much as rule-making, and positive praise as much as loving denial or just punishment. It requires long-haul commitment to intentional, purposeful conversations. All this takes years.

Virtues grow stronger or weaker within the do’s and don’ts of family life. It calls for example-giving as much as rule-making, and positive praise as much as loving denial or just punishment. All this takes years. Click To Tweet

Great parenting is a both/and endeavour. It means being both assertive and affectionate.

• Great parents are highly committed to discipline and just as committed to being physically affectionate.
• They have strong words at times for their kids but they more often sit their young children in their lap and whisper words of encouragement.
• They may take away privileges for a time but they also listen to their kids with their ears and hearts.
• They may isolate their toddler in their room but they also lie beside them during bedtime stories.
• They may physically remove them from a situation to deal with misbehaviour but they also spend a few minutes scratching their backs.
• Their words of praise are just as specific as their words of correction.
• Parents forgive completely. When their child says, “Dad, remember when I broke the window last summer?” they reply, “I distinctly remember forgiving and forgetting that, son.”

My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline or lose heart when He rebukes you. For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and He chastises everyone He receives as a son (Hebrews 12:5-6)

When should parents start discipline in the home? Once your child is up on two feet, you are nearing the time to introduce discipline. This is how you can test your little one’s readiness, say, “Ethan, can you please get me the football from your bedroom?” If Ethan brings you what you were asking for again and again, he is ready.

What do I do/say when disciplining younger children? Physically, but painlessly restrain the child. Take them by the hand or arm and remove them from the scene to a place that is private. Take both hands or wrists in yours, hold the child still, let them calm down and look them straight in the eye. Say what you need to say in a low tone but in an, “I-mean-business” way. Keep at it until they’ve understood and said they are sorry.

You may choose to give a “time out.” The child should not return until they’ve said they’re sorry and ask for forgiveness. If your child’s room or other place of isolation is full of games or electronics, don’t be surprised if this tactic doesn’t curb their behaviour. If possible, bedrooms should be a place to sleep, dress and do homework, try not to turn them into activity centres.

What do I do/say when disciplining older kids? Parenting by example is more important with teenagers because everything you say can and will be used against you!

Physiological development inhibits the emotional maturity required to see their own shortcomings rendering teenagers the smartest people in the world and parents among the dumbest of creatures (can you tell we’ve been parenting multiple teenagers for many years?).

Don’t take the bate. Be the adult. Rise above the avalanche of emotion especially when it rises quickly. Keep the discussion on the facts. Stay principled, grounded and calm. Breathe.

In our home, freedom and responsibility are directly linked (because it is in life). Discipline with older kids usually means removal of privileges. This can mean taking away games, television or electronics. For older teens it might mean no cell phones or going out with friends or use of the car. “Only responsible, mature, caring and contributing adults may drive the family car.”

You may wish to put them to work. Have a job jar at home containing slips of paper describing chores to be done around the house. On a practical level, create jobs that don’t normally get done like wiping widow sills or cleaning the fireplace.

Let the trouble maker pick out three slips and choose one. The job must be done promptly and to your satisfaction.

Idea: if your kids complain about being bored, directing them to the job-jar is an excellent deterrent. Remember, as a parent you are not required to be CEO (Chief Entertainment Officer).

When your kids complain about being bored, directing them to the job-jar is an excellent deterrent. Parents are not required to be CEO (Chief Entertainment Officer). Click To Tweet

If two siblings are bickering and won’t stop after a couple of warnings, put them to work together. “You can learn to play together by working together.” There’s usually no shortage of chores that can be done at any given moment – washing dishes, folding laundry, raking leaves, weeding the garden, washing the car, cleaning the garage, wiping the cupboards. This tactic usually brings about a healthy reconciliation and your house gets cleaned!

Picking your battles. Be smart about it. Don’t scatter your emotional reserves attempting to correct every infraction but never neglect serious issues. Andrea and I have found it helpful to categorize misbehaviours.

Nuisances are those infractions that can be chalked up to normal misdeeds arising from age and inexperience. Bouncing a ball in the house, tracking dirt onto the carpet, noisy play during homework hour, impulsive reactions of various kinds. These situations might require a swift but low level response or perhaps just a serious glance to bring them to an awareness of their wrongdoing.

Andrea and I consider it a serious misbehaviour when it involves infringing on the rights of others, especially siblings or parents. Incessant and unwelcome teasing, mean-spirited-name-calling, ‘borrowing’ something from a sibling’s room without permission, physical or verbal aggression, using inappropriate language and similar deeds. You may tempted to overlook these misbehaviours but doing so consistently sends the wrong message, “You are the centre of the universe.”

Each time you correct your children’s injustices, you are forming their conscience and strengthening the virtues of charity, justice, obedience and fortitude which will come to bear later in how they treat their spouse, children, and workplace colleagues.  Remember, you are raising adults not children. Never treat teenagers as large children. Treat them as emerging adults.

When parents have a ‘raise adults not children mindset’ they may be amazed at the level of insight and wisdom that comes from their teenage children. It’s humbling but equally gratifying to be in this situation. It’s also important to be emotionally mature enough to accept their wisdom, even conform to it, when the time comes.

Remember, you are raising adults not children. Never treat teenagers as large children. Treat them as emerging adults. Click To Tweet

Things that should never be tolerated: showing disrespect for their parents or grandparents. Calling adults by a disrespectful name, raising their voice in anger at you, or cutting you with, “I hate you” statements. Defying your parental authority or that of another adult i.e. teacher. Deliberately lying to you, teachers or coaches especially after being put on their honor to tell the truth.

These areas are vitally important for your children’s welfare. Everything you have to teach your kids depends on their respect for you and for your authority and for their own word of honor.

Final words. Parents should never go beyond discipline: public embarrassment; holding a grudge; not giving a second chance; unjust punishment; or, withholding affection as part of an approach to discipline are destructive. At times, especially when hurt by older kids, the temptation to behave in these ways is strong. If you need to remove yourself to have a time-out, do so. Then return when you have calmed down.

Parents forgive completely. When their child says, “Dad, remember when I broke the window last summer?” they reply, “I distinctly remember forgiving and forgetting that, son.” Click To Tweet

Parents are the most important leaders in the world. The four walls of your house is where leadership matters most. Parenting is not for the faint of heart and requires much from those of us blessed with this vocation. I wrote a piece on Bringing Up Boys that you might want to read.

I will leave you with some words from Teddy Roosevelt that have inspired me over the years.

There are many kinds of success worth having. It is exceedingly interesting and attractive to be a successful business man, or a successful lawyer or doctor; or a writer, or a President, or the colonel of a regiment, or to kill grizzly bears and lions. But a strong marriage and a household of children certainly makes all other forms of success and achievement lose their importance by comparison.”
– Theodore Roosevelt