I am deeply grateful for the wisdom found in the writings of John Eldredge. His books include, Waking the Dead, Wild at Heart, Desire, Sacred Romance and Fathered by God.
His words have helped me grow in self-awareness; develop a more intimate relationship with the heavenly Father; gain a deeper understanding of the daily spiritual battle; ponder the depths of the salvific work of Christ and deepen conversational intimacy in prayer.
Perhaps most important of all, John’s writings have been an on-going source of wisdom for parenting, especially raising five boys.
One key principle that John proposes is the idea that every maturing boy sooner or later asks himself one critical, “Do I have what it takes?” As a dad, helping my son answer that question with a resounding, “Yes!” should begin long before he asks it.
Boys want to know (and need to know!), that they have what it takes to be a man. That is, they have what it takes to influence others, to land the job, to win the girl, to get the promotion, to make an impact, to go deep in relationships, to be that friend, to lead with courage, to stay true to conviction, to be a dad.
A boy’s sense of inner security – knowing with unshakeable confidence that he has what it takes – is the foundation on which the rest of his life is built.
A boy's sense of inner security - knowing with unshakeable confidence that he has what it takes - is the foundation on which the rest of his life is built. Share on XInner security is the fuel for a young man’s courage to overcome fears. Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to lean into one’s fear with confident hope and press on.
Inner security strengthens a young man’s fortitude to overcome difficult obstacles. Nothing is more important than grit when it comes to long-term success.
Inner security animates possibility thinking which enables a young man to take on new challenges with enthusiasm. Timidity has killed way more dreams than failure ever did.
Inner security sharpens vision allowing a young man to see and seize opportunities. Young men without vision are old men.
Masculinity is bestowed. Central to the bestowing process is hours and hours of conversation over the years between a dad and his son, helping him navigate life. Share on XWhere does inner security of a young man come from? I will suggest five:
FIRST: Sensing he is caught up in a larger story. Growing up under a consistent display of passionate love between mom and dad is an important source of inner security for young boys. It’s beneficial for young men to sense the strength of the marital union. It’s also important to see their mom and dad living life as an adventure and a pilgrimage as best friends, confidants and lovers.
SECOND: Being tested and passing. Dads need to find situations where their boys can be tested at age appropriate ways. Passing these stretch tests, even with initial help, is a huge positive for building inner security. It should start young. Some examples: Having your 8-year old shake hands with his soccer coach while maintaining eye contact, “Thank you coach I appreciate your time tonight,” is a simple way of stretching your young boy. Affirming him for doing the right thing is also important. Encouraging your pre-teen boy to start a small business like cutting grass is another way to build inner security. They might need some initial help marketing, pricing and managing customer expectations, but landing clients and making money on their own is a great way to build inner security. Wherever possible, teaching your son how to use his hands for painting, renovating, or mechanical work on the car, goes a long way for building inner security. Nothing wrong with learning these skills from other men such as a grandfather or uncle. There are many age appropriate ways to stretch a boy, they are easy to find when you look for them. Whenever the opportunity emerges and your boy pushes through a situation, acknowledge the milestone and affirm him, “Well don, son. That was hard but you did it, I knew you could.”
THIRD: Mentoring conversations with dad go a long way for building inner security. Masculinity is bestowed. Central to the bestowing process is hours and hours of conversation between a dad and his son helping him navigate life. Many of these dialogues will be light, but some will go deep. Each conversation making the next one a little easier. For example, starting intentional conversations at a young age will make the ‘sex-talk’ and other milestone conversations much easier. Dads that make a habit of meaningful dialogues make deposits into the emotional bank account of their boys which will pay off big time down the road.
FOURTH: Developing spiritual disciplines. A sure way to develop inner security is to help them develop strong spiritual habits which foster a personal, intimate relationship with the Lord. Being grounded and confident in the love of the Father is quite possibly the most important element of developing inner security. Saint John Paul II said, “You are not the sum of your strengths and weaknesses, you are the sum of the Father’s love for you.” Personal, intimate conversational intimacy with the Father deepens all other means of fostering inner security.
FIFTH: Mom’s prayers. Yes, dad needs to pray for the boys too, but this is where mom can really make a difference. Mothers who prayerfully watch over the lives of their kids, especially their maturing boys, invoke the power of the Holy Spirit which will bear much fruit. Following the example of Mary, prayerfully pondering all things in their hearts, will ensure the right messages and scripts take root in the hearts of her boys.
Bringing up boys is one of the greatest privileges of any man. More so for those of us who believe in the Way and know the value of a man with strong character, inner security, firm resolve to do good and contagious faith. Embrace the calling to raise your boys to be men of the Kingdom, modern-day knights.
On Bringing Up Boys: Timidity has killed way more dreams than failure ever did. Share on X A sure way to develop inner security is to help them develop strong spiritual habits which foster a personal, intimate relationship with the Lord. Share on X Dads need to find situations where their boy can be tested at age appropriate ways. Share on X Dads that make a habit of meaningful dialogues make deposits into the emotional bank account of their boys which will pay off big time down the road. Share on X
Excellent column on raising boys. Could equally apply to raising girls as well. Inner security is very important. Great points!
Indeed! More on that in a future blog.
Hi Brett, a great read. I was going to add about learning to communicate thoughts and feelings, as well as learning to recognize the qualities of a good friend, but you have those implicit throughout in mentoring conversations and in relationship with Jesus. I do agree with Judy that this applies equally to girls….I am still thinking through what is unique to the nature of boys/men and the nature of girls/women that is not simply a cultural overlay. Thanks for another great read.
Thanks Nathalie