I was four hours into changing the brakes when I finally admitted defeat. Filled with discouragement, I slammed the lid on my toolbox saying to myself, “Why is everything so flippin’ hard?” The garage floor was strewn with sockets, wrenches, plyers, hammers and no small amount of sweat and blood. Sweat from physical exhaustion and blood from repeated cuts to my hands from a pair of needle-nose plyers.
As I gazed upon the brake callipers that were causing me such trouble, a familiar wound whispered to my heart the often-repeated message – life is hard and I’m all alone to figure it out.
As I gazed upon the brake callipers that were causing me such trouble, a familiar wound whispered to my heart the often-repeated message - life is hard and I'm all alone to figure it out.' Share on XI’ve been changing the brakes on my vehicles for over 15 years. This was not unfamiliar territory. The task in front of me, the task that was killing me, was fully within my strength, it wasn’t supposed to be a “stretch” experience. I know exactly what I need to do and how long it will take. I know the tools required and how to use them. But this was the first time I changed the brakes on my son’s car, an older model, and the calliper pistons were unlike anything I had seen before.
The day began at 7:00 a.m. in the garage. I wanted to be done by 8:30 a.m., so Andrea and I could go for a walk before heading to Mass with the family. That plan was completely thwarted. At 8:30 a.m. I was frustrated at being defeated by a pair of unfamiliar calliper pistons. By 9:30 a.m. I was angered for having to miss going for a walk with my wife. By 11:00 a.m., as my family was driving away to attend Mass, I was really (like, REALLY) triggered that I would have to attend Mass by myself later that day.
I was frustrated because I couldn’t figure it out on my own. I was angry that my entire day was ruined. I was sad because I love going for walks with my wife and never miss Mass with the family. I was upset that nobody was around to show me what to do and discouraged that I actually needed help.
At a deeper level, I was experiencing a level of “insecurity” and “feeling alone” common to what a ten-year-old boy feels when he is facing an unfamiliar situation in an unknown environment with no parents in sight.
I knew I wasn’t a ten-year-old boy and couldn’t rest on that excuse. I was the man of the house, needing to come through and save the day (well, at least change the brakes). I was a mess inside. I felt the full weight of responsibility to fix the problem and had no clue how to do it. Also, I felt a huge weight of regret because so much had been lost that morning. My internal world was in a very tenuous state.
Leaders, can you relate to the experience I had in the garage? Have you ever been in a leadership situation when you felt like a ten-year-old boy on the inside? My friend, Jake Khym, calls this the triple threat: 1) You don’t know what to do, 2) you know that you need to come through, and 3) you hear the whisper of, “And you better not screw it up” that only adds to the pressure. That is a recipe for a soul-killing experience of fatherlessness.
After wrestling with the situation by myself for far too long, I reached out to a mechanic friend with decades of experience working under the hood. He asked me a few diagnostic questions and I sent him a couple of pictures. Within 5 minutes he walked me through the entire series of actions that I needed to take to retract calliper pistons. The problem that had thwarted me for four hours was fixed within a few minutes. 60 minutes later, the entire job was complete including clean up.
I felt utter relief from the mounting pressure and all the negative consequences adding up in my mind. Honestly, I felt rescued.
More importantly, I felt fathered.
My older friend had come alongside me and guided me through a process that was not familiar to me. His experience became my wisdom and path forward. His presence on the other side of the phone was my refuge. The way he guided me was also important. He never shamed me for not knowing what to do. He did not make me feel smaller than I felt already. When I first called him on the phone, I felt like a 10-year-old boy. When I got off the call and the job was done, I felt like Captain America. I sincerely thought, at that moment, I could take on any challenge in the world. That is the benefit of being fathered well.
When I got off the phone and the job was done, I felt like I could take on any challenge in the world. That’s the benefit of being fathered. Share on X
The good news is that you are the beloved child of a powerful, smart, engaged Father capable of guiding you through any situation and providing for all that you need along the way because God is your Father.
My 4-hour experience of frustration, angst and anger was a metaphor for the journey of the heart each of us is invited to take as leaders.
It is very likely that difficult situations have made you feel insecure, unsteady, and vulnerable as a leader. If you haven’t experienced that yet, you will soon. Everyone does.
A leader I respect very much, Michael Hyatt, recently shared his own journey of the heart with insecurities. Hyatt shares that every time he received a new promotion at work he said to himself, “This is it Hyatt, now they will find out you don’t have what it takes to lead.” Every promotion he received, he experienced the same fear of being ‘found out.’ He was convinced that one day he would be raised to the level of his incompetence.
All leaders will face challenges that cause insecurity, uncertainty and fear. If you approach these challenges as an orphan, on your own to figure it out, those challenges will completely take you out.
You will face challenges as a leader that cause insecurity & fear. If you approach these challenges as an orphan, on your own to figure it out, those challenges may take you out completely. Share on XSelf-sufficient leaders typically run recklessly toward the challenge, striving to gain assurance from achievement or they shrink from the challenge because they fear being exposed as a poser. Either way, those responses are the result of a heart-level conclusion of being fatherless.
If any of this is resonating with you, I would like to invite you on a journey. I want to encourage you to head over to The Way of the Heart Podcast. Jake Khym and I have walked our listeners through a book study on Fathered by God written by John Eldredge. If you only have time for one episode, check out the latest podcast on the topic, “Adventure to Live.” Both the series and the single episode, are intended for a male audience but many women enjoy the show as well. Fathered by God has been a continual guide and companion for my leadership journey over the past 10 years.
Leadership is a journey of the heart. Thankfully, we do not have to go it alone. We have a loving, wise, empathetic, generous, engaged Father ready to walk with us every day. Often He shows up in our existing relationships to make His presence known. You are not alone to figure things out.
Let me know if I can help – Brett.