Never Stop Dating – Reflections on 25 Years of Marriage

Today’s post continues a 5-part series of reflections on the key lessons we have learned after 25 years of marriage.

Lesson #2: Never Stop Dating

Kids are a peculiar creature. They are the fruit of the intimacy of their parents and once born, a permanent obstacle to it!

Seriously, if married couples are not careful, their kid’s schedules will completely take over their schedule. If mom and dad aren’t busy driving the kids back and forth from one activity to another, they are helping them with their homework or supporting them in navigating a relationship at school, then doing their laundry or making them supper or packing their lunches, etc. FYI: You might be interested in a recent article I wrote about family chores and why they matter.

Too many homes have fallen into a child-centred pattern of living. It may seem loving to fill your child’s life with sports, music, social activities, arts, tutoring and the like. But over the long haul, that isn’t healthy for the family or good for the child.

We constantly battled against the pull toward a child-centred home. Sports was the area we struggled with for years. All our kids have been involved in competitive sport. Our three oldest boys have graduated from high school and each one earned an athletic scholarship to attend university. Our oldest son was recently named a CIS All-Canadian. Another won a National Championship and recently signed with Trinity Western University. Another holds the record for most goals in a single season at our high school. Andrea and I were both athletes, we love sports and take joy in seeing the kids compete. But, like anything else, it can become disordered if you let it. FYI: I wrote an article for Young Catholics in Elite Athletes.

Many families feel the same pull toward a crazy commitment to sports. A few years ago I heard of a family that moved across the city just so their child could play on a competitive soccer team. He was 12 years old at the time and got released from the team a few months later.

One of the best ways to avoid becoming a child-centred home is to never stop dating. Great marriages do not happen by accident. Nobody drifts into a great marriage, it takes intentionality and effort. Couples that flourish are couples that make their relationship the top priority in the home.

Before they were mom and dad, they were husband and wife. The story of the family not only begins with the story of mom and dad, it must continue as a story of the couple. When married couples make the decision to never stop dating, they remind themselves and each of the children, that their relationship is most important.

As parents of 8 kids, keeping our commitment to dating hasn’t always been easy. There were seasons when we were so utterly exhausted, that dating meant taking a nap together. There were other seasons when we couldn’t afford to get an ice cream cone at McDonald’s, never mind heading out to a high-end restaurant. During those times we would cook supper for the family then take our plates into the bedroom or on the deck away from the kids, just to enjoy some time alone.

Each date night may not seem like a big deal. It may not be memorable sharing a bowl of Kraft Dinner on a blanket in the backyard. But over time it adds something very special and powerful to the union.

It’s also a huge blessing to your kids. Children gain their sense of security from how they perceive the strength of the relationship between their parents. If their parents are passionate about their relationship as husband and wife, the kids will have a deep sense of security. They will feel like they are part of something much bigger than themselves, something sturdy and solid. That security will empower them to take on the world, have an abundance mentality and embrace all of life’s challenges.

“There are many kinds of success in life worth pursuing, It is exceedingly interesting and attractive to be the President or the colonel of a fighting regiment or to kill grizzly bears and lions. But a strong marriage and house full of children make all over forms of success in life pale in comparison.”  Theodore Roosevelt